August - September 2016...

Disclaimer:, C.A. Etcheverry or any of its associates is NOT responsible for any commentary done by Gudula the witch in this section, C.A. Etcheverry does not write the Borloscope, Gudula is a real astrologist and a real bad person, you may proceed at your own risk. ...

My advice won't make you happy,
but pain is like the world itself

Virgo: You were caught by the Pokemon Go frenzy! This was to be expected from Neptune's dream like influence which may develop, with Pokemon, into a pathological gambling of sorts. So you have almost fallen into a swimming pool, off a cliff or gotten hit by a car in the freeway while chasing the colorful little animals, nothing happened to you then, but you were raped in a restroom when you visited WalMart as you tried to catch Zubat in the toilet. A rapist with multiple personality disorder was hiding there and one of the personalities he had was Borlo, so you have been blessed with Borlo's seed. Don't try to abort the baby, for now it is your duty to take that rapist wherever there are unaware women playing Pokemon Go, so you can spread the evil. When all mankind is possessed by Borlo's hysterical laugh, the prophecy of “Gudula's Disgrace” will be accomplished.

Libra: I have six Libra friends in South Beach who are the sweetest people I have ever known and they always go together everywhere: yes I'm talking about you guys (Enrique, Ale, Yinfrek, Johncleider, Obi and Manny). I simply adore them, they make feel so special and unique. Going places with you guys is such a joyful experience because you always tell me how beautiful I am and you are the only ones who always notice the progress I make with my diets. Everything is going to work out just fine for Libra this month (Except for you Yinfrek because you are the poorest of the bunch, sorry!)

Scorpio: Uranus is making it so hard for you get some decent sleep lately, since this planet represents electricity. Because of this you are going to the bathroom a lot to pee, which makes it impossible for you to fall asleep. My Secret Herbs Pills can help you dry the liquids and fluids inside your body, so you won't have to go to the bathroom that much. My Secret Herbs Pills are also spectacular for committing suicide, and you should consider this given the fact that the Scorpio sign is strongly associated with death. If you take the whole blister of my Secret Herbs Pills your guts will become dry, and your belly will crack like a barren land. Once your belly cracks open a fine red dust will come out, as you will feel a strong urge to do “number two”. When you sit on the stool your ass will break like glass and something resembling pieces of beef jerky will start falling from under you, as you start to disintegrate. Spectacular!

Sagitarius: Jupiter is on your side this month dear Sagitarius! This is your opportunity to start your own Church. No one will notice your editing and interpreting of the Bible. Adding a few chapters to it and changing Jesus nationality will allow you to claim that yours is the true Church of the Son of God. This will give you the chance to make more money than you ever imagined, for people will be willing to sacrifice anything for you. Just say that God, sweet Mary and Jesus talked to you and told you that all the other churches are fake. Your new symbol of christianity will be a masked and crucified Jesus Christ, but no one will notice that under that mask you can put Borlo's face, your dead mother's face, Obama, Michey Mouse, a written curse, a lottery ticket or anything else you may want people to pray to and devote themselves to. Open your own Church this month... Outsmart them!

Capricorn: In my deep state of trance I saw things for you I can't quite explain but I’ll try: Lots of pizza. Very bad luck, probably diarrhea. Avoid cheese. Mercury brings putrid farting in the middle of your romantic dinner. Be loyal to your feelings of hatred, persevere to bring about the death of your in-laws. Cheat on your wife to win the lottery. Be thankful for your children. Be thankful for your enemies, buy them chocolates, buy them expensive clothing, leave your children to starve. Remember Gudula, pray for Gudula, Gudula grants you lots of Vagina. Gudula grants you penis.

Aquarius: You are a spoiled brat. And the fact is that spoiled brats eat lipstick. Venus rules Aquarius during the next weeks and Venus means beauty and make up. Cut yourself open and pull your tripes out. Lots of red lipstick should be ready inside. If you put on make up, right out of your guts; if you paint your face red using the melted lipstick inside your intestines, and you do this in the middle of the street, no, better yet, if do you this inside a museum, you will become the greatest performance artist of all times: cause you are a spoiled brat! You can be better than Nam Yum Pike, you can beat Chris Angel himself. Eat a bunch of lipstick and use your intestines to paint your face red. No questions asked. Because you are a spoiled brat. You will be remembered.

Pisces: Dear Pisces you will be influenced by Mars this month, which symbolizes physical strength and favors athletic endeavors, and with the Olympic Games happening right now, you may want to follow the example set by the famous french gymnast whose leg turned into a red, giant twizzler during the games. The sick video of him injuring himself has been spinning around the social media and has made lots of people sick. Just imagine the empathy others will feel for you when they see that the same thing happened to you as you tried to do the reggetón “perreo” moves. Do a fund raiser, ask people for money to get a prosthesis and become really, really famous yourself.

Aries: Most Aries are girls. Most Aries are girls full of envy. Most Aries are Britney fans. You know that with Britney's new single “Make Me” you have been encouraged to wear tight black lingerie. You know this has been giving your vagina a hard time and you are all sore now. These sores will turn into a huge ulcer. Get ready for the worse scenario: if your boyfriend starts playing with food in there you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will be like the girl from the meme who told the doctor that her boyfriend had put a garlic chorizo inside her and that the smell didn't wear off. Well dear, it will never wear off. Better luck next time.

Taurus: Oh my dear! Taurus why are you so stubborn? Its your way or the highway. Pluto this month makes you even more stubborn than usual. So you will throw a tantrum locking yourself in the bathroom. No one will be able to make you come out. After you get tired of listening to people outside trying to convince you to come out, you will start an argument with yourself, but you won't listen to what you say either, cause you are so stubborn. Don't bang your head against the wall as punishment for this will do you any good. You may want to invoke Borlo, he might bring a breath of fresh air to your very thick quarrel against your own mind. Multiple personality disorder is much better than being such a stubborn person.

Gemini: The Moon will trick you this month friends from gemini. The oldest, most ancient prank in human civilization is on you. The moon goddess of the Aztecs used to eat feces and turn them into gold, and this month's full Moon will have you eating your own dump right from the toilet. No family or friends will be able to get your face out of the toilet. You will discover new licking and sucking skills you didn't know you had. But this is not all, the salty, chocolaty taste you find in excrement during this full Moon will bring out such a shit eating frenzy in you that you'll be trying other people's shit. Picture yourself picking your nose and scratching your inner ear with greasy fingers full of feces. Imagine yourself smearing shit on your eyes and brushing your teeth with it.

Cancer: Dear Cancer, let’s face it, you are a cheeseball and you’ve always known that. Nevertheless, don’t stop now giving away your thoughts and opinions; somewhere, sometime, you will inspire someone to write a comedy routine based on your views of the world and make a bunch of losers happy for a minute or two. Your problem is that you can’t laugh at your own convictions and that’s why you are stuck with being a shitty cheeseball. Sometimes punching your own face works wonders, try it! I do it all the time but you can’t even notice it because my skin is blue, if you want blue skin like mine try consuming generous quantities of silver nitrate so you can get argyria and look fantastic like me!

Leo: There won't be any planets crossing your sign this month so nothing will happen in your life. Make the most of it by having a 30 day sleep therapy and tell your mom to inject liquified food in your bloodstream. If she ties you to your bed this will be a great opportunity to learn how to obey and to eliminate your tendency to think you are important. Don't use any clothing or blankets, since there will be no planets in your life let the mosquitoes be your constellations. Remember how trash you are and that you will never change, not even with the help of the planets.

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