DECEMBER 2016...

Disclaimer:, C.A. Etcheverry or any of its associates is NOT responsible for any commentary done by Gudula the witch in this section, C.A. Etcheverry does not write the Borloscope, Gudula is a real astrologist and a real bad person, you may proceed at your own risk. ...

My advice won't make you happy,
but pain is like the world itself

Sagitarius: You have been blessed by having your birthday during Christmas, but this year things are going through a radical change: Fidel is dead and his soul is trapped in Borlo’s dimension, or what the Christians have called hell… there he has endured endless humiliation since an hour in the world of the living equals a century in “Borlo’s toilet for the dead”. Avoiding giant turds in the whirling water has been Fidel’s smallest concern, since at the same time his mouth is connected through a mystical portal to Oliver Stone’s colostomy bag, and there is nothing he can do to avoid swallowing the film maker’s depositions. Fidel has also had to repeat his famous speeches all day long while drowning in Borlo’s festering urine. For thousands of years now he has had the time to attune for his sins and has become a good puppy. He has been freed from his second jail where rapist priests have molested him daily, and now is going to do some community service by taking Santa’s place, yes you heard right. Angry, disappointed children will be shocked by the fact that Santa doesn’t exist, and even more by learning that its not their parents who bring the presents, but a strange Latino pervert that looks like a mummy in a military outfit. Kids will be getting a chance to serve Santa poisoned cookies and chlorine mixed with white chalk for milk.

Capricorn: People born under the sign of Capricorn have been blessed by the light of Christ our Saviour! He was a Capricorn himself and with the Sun conjunct Jupiter in Capricorn during late December it is the greatest opportunity for any Capricorn to start their own Church and claim that this one is the real one, the only one truly blessed by Christ among all others. You can begin by inviting a few people into your house and handing out some pamphlets that you can create yourself by drawing and writing with a pencil. Giving free candy is recommended to succeed in raising your levels of adherence to your new Christian Church. If you start right now, putting an add in your local newspaper, spreading the news and trying to convince people that Christ or an angel spoke to you, it is only a matter of time before you become a world renowned religious figure in the Christian world, seen as the only true minister of Christ on earth. Gudula’s advice for this one, the secret many Christian entrepreneurs seek for absolute religious success, is to kill a black goat on Christmas eve, and drink its blood while you burn your penis with a black candle. For great results you must sacrifice your penis entirely, just burn it until it turns to BBQ chicken wings… I know it sounds horrible… but hey!! Money can buy happiness.

Aquarius: Aquarius, Christmas is here! You know what Christmas means for a spiritual person like you… Capitalism has turned a heart-warming family tradition into a sales madness, and anyone without money to buy will think less of themselves… Children are to blame, I once met a little girl that never knew when to stop and always kept asking his daddy for more and more presents, and he would completely spoil her by buying anything she wanted… that little girl was my sister, and I won’t reveal her identity or what she does for a living, but I can assure you that she is the perfect equivalent of a cheap whore… I have nothing against whores, let me clarify that, since they all serve Lord Borlo, but my sister thinks she is so important and so cool, even if she does nothing but sell herself for a few dollars… this has to stop, we must put and end to the abuse of these children who want it all… Lets invoke the power of Pluto, Ruller of Death, and then go out and steal from little children, insult them, distract their parents while their kids go astray, or you can put them in a metro or subway going the wrong direction for that purpose… Children are to blame! The best move here is to push them really hard against a fast running car while the mother is stuffing her face with a hot dog… The look on her face will be your best Christmas present ever!

Aries: You will be the green mother my Aries girl! Prepare to recreate the traditional nativity scene by the beach this Christmas! Everybody knows that babies are an endangered species nowadays, with all the autism causing vaccines, poisoned baby food, child molesters, school bullying and whatnot… babies have been having a rough time growing up to be young boys and girls. So, taking advantage of Venus’ influence over Aries this month you can do a lot to prevent all the life threatening issues for your newly born baby. It is common knowledge that sea turtles have long lives and how relaxed and carefree they are just cruising the seven seas and letting themselves be carried by the confortable sea currents, provided the right circumstances (no ferries, no pollution, no plastic waste, etc.). Well, to start off you need to camp by the beach during the last days of your pregnancy. Take all you need to be confortable during those very special days, blankets, canned food, Gatorade, Cheetos, beef jerky, beer, tobacco chew… make sure you have everything you need. Once you are ready for labor you will be digging a deep hole in the sand where you will deliver your baby, just like a turtle. If it’s a boy or girl it doesn’t matter, throw the baby into the sea, save his or her life! Let your baby go green as the mermaids take it away.

Taurus: Taurus will sacrifice him or herself for the sake of the scientific community. Ophthalmologists need to know certain things about human sight, specially now that the new age community, the vegans and those who do yoga want to draw benefits from the new practice known as Sun Gazing. So, it is true, yogis in India have been feeding themselves by staring at the sun, which suffices to nurture their bodies together with some water they drink on a daily basis. But it is uncertain whether or not this will completely blind non-Indian peoples in the end. So there you go dear Taurus, for that extra bit of cash you are always begging others to give you, sign up for the Eye Resistance Tests that are taking place at the New World Order Center in San Francisco (1-800-SUNGAZE). They will basically have you stare straight at the sun all day, and put you in dark rooms with air conditioning, then make you smell alcohol and vinegar, drink water with 90% sugar, scream at your ears, hit you with a chair, pull your hair and scratch your eyes with a table fork. Just for scientific purposes.

Gemini: It has come to my attention that many people from Gemini are interested nowadays with becoming well respected witches and warlocks, and to all of you –and even to the ones from other zodiac signs who are still attempting to gain prestige as magic wielders– I tell the same thing: the only way to be truly acknowledged and feared as a wizard is to kill a close relative, preferably your own parents, with sorcery. The Moon will conjunct Pluto in Gemini this month so this is your chance to receive the favor of the dark lord by chanting the right words, which will enable you to kill whoever you want, right in front of a crowd of your own choice. The words are: “Valor Cementin! Valor! Valor! Mira como sella los poros del Piso! Luego el Cemento Queda bien Lisito! Valor! Valor! Con Nelly la Nelliciosa hay sabor y economía con Nelly la Nelliciosa y con la Santa María! Vademecum Wilneiker! Vademecum Satana! Vademecum Borlo!

Cancer: Let them pee on your face this month dear Cancer, or better yet… ask them to pee on your face, and tell them you also need their excrement on your face because you are doing an experiment, or because you are helping your little daughter in her “science project”, it doesn’t matter, just come up with something. You will be cleaning your aura with the essence and aroma from the sins of others and we all know that excrement is a blasphemy. Because Neptune means cleanliness and healing, and since you will be influenced by the aquatic giant of the solar system, you need to disguise as a toilet in order to counter the effects of putridity and decay with your own immune system. This one mixes a bit of science, a bit of hocus pocus and plain common sense, but trust me, you need to cover your face completely. To further enhance the effects of this aura purge you can also moisten your poo mask with fowl liquids like rotten chicken stock, sour milk, burnt butter or even asking your friends to spit on your face. The cleanliness of your aura and your much lighter energy will amaze anyone around you in January 2017.

Leo: The Moon, Mars and Jupiter may be favoring you Leo friend, but there is no helping your situation. You are the only person who actually knows how miserable you have been your entire life. I hear your latest hobby is to steal prosthetics from old people and make conceptual art sculptures with it to be sold for thousands of dollars… Not even my black cat recipe to invoke the Dark Lord can save you now… Lets leave the planets out of this; lets leave God or the Devil out of this. The only possible redemption for you is the shit hose. You need to grab a garden hose and fill it with excrement, human or animal, it really doesn’t matter, just don’t go collecting cow or horse manure, for it isn’t smelly or putrid enough for you to attune for your sins. Once the shit hose has been filled you will need to plug it deep inside your esophagus and to achieve this you will need much practice. Once its inside your throat there is only one thing to do, plug the hose to the water outlet and turn the water on: drown in shit you bastard! Better luck reincarnating with a different zodiac sign! JAJAJAJAJAJA!

Virgo: You have been wasting your money dear Virgo, money is good for your health, and money is a source of nourishment. You need to start eating your money and see how it turns your teeth green. 10 dollars bills are better tasting with cigarette ashes and a bit of lipstick, while 20’s and 50’s are more delicious with tin foil and liquid soap. Mercury will prepare your soul for futuristic endeavors this month and you can make the most of this by starting a technological diet: eating old TV antennas, batteries, broken speakers will make you feel like a robot. In a small Latino country called Venezuela people have already gotten ahead and are used to chewing cable instead of pasta, due to the fact that they are unable to find actual food on a regular basis. But you have been given the choice of becoming a robot, to be ahead of your time, to be a visionary, to sacrifice yourself for a greater purpose…

Libra: The power of Venus is with you this December friend from Libra. You will be more beautiful and more charismatic and this will allow you to start your career as a beggar. You need to pay for what you did in previous lives and what better chance than to barter food for dirty street sex? Gathering used kitty litter and putting it in your genitalia is said to make you more irresistible with pheromones that will drive other people crazy. This new kind of aromatherapy has a bonus which goes unnoticed many times, cat feces will occasionally be contaminated with toxoplasmosis, which will either prevent mankind from reproducing itself –which is the new and revolutionary way to go green– or result in beautifully deformed little babies that you can exhibit around the streets, asking people for their kind help, further enhancing your potential as a beggar.

Scorpio: So last November was a second Johnstown massacre: mothers poisoning their babies, children poisoning their parents and brothers and sisters killing each other for the sake of Our Lord Borlo… but this time it wasn’t a waste of human lives like when it happened in Guyana, all those who died in New York this year got a chance to see our gracious Highness Borlo dancing and prancing, relieving them from their miserable little problems and giving them a chance to laugh their way to death. Now it is your duty to complete Borlo’s plan dear Sorpio: by contacting the girl scouts you will be able to poison a lot more people with cookies, and then you must be by their side when their time comes so you can force them to sell their souls to Borlo, suffocate them with powdered corn flakes and crush their skulls like in “The Mountain and the Viper” episode in Game of Thrones.

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