Disclaimer: Borlocomix.com, C.A. Etcheverry or any of its associates is NOT responsible for any commentary done by Gudula the witch in this section, C.A. Etcheverry does not write the Borloscope, Gudula is a real astrologist and a real bad person, you may proceed at your own risk.
My advice won't make you happy,
but pain is like the world itself...
Leo: There won't be any planets crossing your sign this month so nothing will happen in your life. Make the most of it by having a 30 day sleep therapy and tell your mom to inject liquified food in your bloodstream. If she ties you to your bed this will be a great opportunity to learn how to obey and to eliminate your tendency to think you are important. Don't use any clothing or blankets, since there will be no planets in your life let the mosquitoes be your constellations. Remember how trash you are and that you will never change, not even with the help of the planets.
Virgo: Jupiter will be accompanying you this month so you must put on weight. Eat everything you find and sleep a lot. Your first breakfast will include 6 eggs, 4 hamburger buns and 12 tablespoons of sugar diluted in ½ a cup of water. Your second breakfast will be four large bags of cheese puffs and four 2 liter bottles of Cola. Your third breakfast will consist of drinking 6 beers, and eating 20 light yogurts mixed with four cups of mayonnaise. Your first lunch will be 24 cans of spam liquified with 6 big bags of marshmallows and two cups of vinegar. Your second lunch will include fetuccini with crushed sour candies, two pounds of grated cheddar cheese and powdered coffee (diuretic). Your third lunch will be 800 grams of unsalted, unmelted butter with chocolate or vanilla twinkies and 12 cans of tuna in Napoli sauce. Your first dinner will be 8 pounds of chopped skin of oranges and tangerines (only the skin) soaked with three bottles of light soy sauce. Your second dinner will include 6 tablespoons of baking soda mixed with cola, condensed milk and 40 shrimps. Do this diet and you will gain a lot of weight. You will soon notice how your good luck increases and the children where you live will start loving you, if you manage to survive.
Libra: The Moon is a white round object which will start this month located in the Libra constellation. The moon is a symbol of womanhood in general and it will give you the power to have your wishes of sex and vengeance come true. But to receive this “moon blessing” you must shave your head completely untill you look like Shinead O'Connor and then start sleeping with a pillow stained by your period and by the period of an unknown woman. If you manage to take vengeance on three persons and destroy their lives you will be able to see Borlo, but to accomplish this you also need to get drunk for 8 days straight and 7 nights, no sleep, and then call the police. You should hear Borlo's malevolent laugh or see his face (adulteresses only) as one of the policemen who come to you. Keep up your Borlo luck by breathing from an exhaust pipe for 15 minutes every morning.
Scorpio: In Sailor Moon Crystal's second season Sailor Pluto is portrayed as a woman who sacrifices herself and as a guardian of time. For this reason I interpret Saturn's influence over Scorpio as a clue that you will be encountering many old babies in the street this month, two or three year old kids who have wrinkly faces and feet. You must make videos of them, you must interview each old baby you find, making them wear sun glasses so you can make an old baby documentary. Because you are a guardian of time yourself this month dear Scorpio, and the special ones who break the boundaries between age group stereotypes also have civil rights. Does having many years make you necessarily old? Being three years old means you haven't had sex or drank alcoholic drinks? The true age is only in your heart and the less fortunate or sexy ones back home also have a voice and deserve equal rights, like any other group traditionally suffering from discrimination. But watch out, doing this good deed may also lead you towards hatred and evil.
Sagitarius: Your adventurous spirit will be favored by the presence of Saturn... Specially if you take three doses of ibuprofen and drink a lot of black coffee; this combination is highly aphrodisiac and will give you the little push you need to start earning that extra prostitution money, never forget that the devil brings you luck and chancres are popular with clients... The earth in your flower pots is ruled by Saturn, and you are a filthy person by nature, so take advantage of it and make thin lines with this earth and sniff some, this way the blackness will go in your airways. Bad things repel bad things ¿Do you understand this principle?
Capricorn: This month you will attempt suicide at least fourteen times, but you mustn't accomplish your death wish. I repeat you must not kill yourself, instead, the message Pluto has for you as it crosses the Capricorn constellation is that you need to focus all your thoughts in wishing death to others, specially the little ones, who always demand toys, sweets and entertainment from their parents. Jehova is life and Pluto most certainly is death, so focus in wishing for the death of senior citizens and, if possible, go to a retirement home and push some old woman in her wheelchair down the stairs; it is of utmost importance that you record the sounds of her falling in a voice note so you can listen to it later as you go to sleep. This will certainly increase your death wishes during this month. Life will reward you next month with a youthfull feeling which will allow you to drop those extra pounds that you gained drinking beer and eating hotdogs.
Aquarius: Dear Aquarius if you are a female you must be singing “my world is empty without you babe”. There are no planets this month crossing your constellation, so you must be feeling the cold drafts down there. If you don't do something quick you will soon grow gray hair and a nasty hump in your back. Before you know it your eyes will start spinning like crazy and instead of walking you'll only be able to squat around like the hen woman. You must pray to the Eternal Mother of Blood and make her a Tabasco offering in your vagina. After holding in the Tabasco for three hours you must brush inside with toothpaste. Now, if you know how kitties reproduce themselves, you should know that after going through such an ordeal yourself you will be getting real sleepy, which will allow you to sleep for the rest of the month feeling warm and comfy.
Pisces: This month you have Neptune and Chiron, two objects which represent health, so you should take advantage of this and use a lot of moisturizing lotion. You should soak your face every morning, for two hours, in vinegar mixed with the perfume of your choice, in order to have a healthier skin. Neptune is also called the “liquid health” so you should drink a lot of moisturizing lotion, and you may also add granola and fresh fruit to it if you like. When you sweep your house, gather all the dirt and put it in a plastic bag, go out and throw it over the first person you come across and at the same time scream: “take my dirt and give me your health!”. Don't do this with an elderly or ill person because Neptune and Chiron are the “liquid health”. You must look for an athlete or a fat person.
Aries: Uranus, the planet of electricity, is influencing you this month dear Aries. You will be screaming all the time, even in your sleep. You will yell strange words which will be completely out of context. You will have a craving for ice cream and for running indoors until breaking something or injuring yourself.
You will feel very anxious and this will make you burn your tongue with a candle and then drink lemon juice with vinegar; this is normal in youthful Aries people, specially when under the influence of Uranus. Uranus in Aries makes you a rebel and you will be telling your fathers what they might not want to hear: “Mom you are a damn bitch and you are full of newspapers and dog poo! I hate you!” If you break her blender you will definitely feel better, but you can also put some spray cans in her microwave until they explode and she burns alive.
Taurus: Dear Taurus this month Mars will be opposing your birth constellation. Mars is the planet of war and fruits bring people happiness... This is why you should avoid eating any kind of fruit and also impede others from eating it. Mars will fill you with vigor and energy and it will be easy to organize a demonstration together with friends in order to boycott fruit stores near you. Mars will lend you its fire so you can burn down these fruit stores, but if you really want to evolve in your next life you can burn yourself inside one of them. The basic theory behind all this is that wars are caused by many indirect factors and Tauruses know this, sabotaging the fruit industry might become a key element to bring about the new world order. You can also prepare fruit punch with rat poison and sell it in public schools with your children or your friends' children.
Gemini: Dear Gemini, the zodiac's bipolar, Venus and Mercury, the eternal planetary enemies will be in your heaven this month. For this reason you must follow the zombie law: “bite so they bite you”. Blood is good for your skin, so start creating your own local apocalypse. You can add black pepper or vinegar in your eyes so people will actually believe your'e not human. Bring death around you this month and you might be able to see Borlo so you can laugh yourself to death. Don't forget the purpose of your life, don't leave for tomorrow what can be done today.
Cancer: Mercury (communications) and Venus (femininity) will also be on your constellation this month dear friend from Cancer. A man is never complete without knowing the pleasures of anal rending. Begin by introducing small objects like an orange, then proceed to stick two or three dry pieces of charcoal inside, and then try with a cactus. Yes, you heard me: a cactus! If you can't manage to do so being sober, you might try doing hard drugs and asking your neighbor next door to spit on your face and hold it down with his boot as your best friend tears your ass apart with a cactus. I suggest you perform this death ritual with some anxiety producing music, you might want to listen to Selena (the dead latin pop icon) or to an inspiring speech by Donald Trump. Humiliation is good for your lungs and it lowers the cholesterol levels. After performing this ritual you should wear skirts for forty days and slam against glass doors every once in a while.