September - October 2016...

Disclaimer:, C.A. Etcheverry or any of its associates is NOT responsible for any commentary done by Gudula the witch in this section, C.A. Etcheverry does not write the Borloscope, Gudula is a real astrologist and a real bad person, you may proceed at your own risk. ...

My advice won't make you happy,
but pain is like the world itself

Libra: Dear libra you have been developing a resemblance complex which makes you want to resemble your own zodiac sign, but you want to be on the side of the good and just. This is why you should train just one arm if you're going to the gym, your right arm should be big and your left one skinny, you are sending out a message to the world. If you are a woman dear Libra, then you should consider having breast implants in your right tit only, for you are an honest woman, and you can prove them that by putting all your size and weight in your “right” bra, not the “wrong” one. A more drastic, convincing message that you support the right wing, and my favorite candidate Donald Trump, is to burn your right eyeball with a torch, or blow the right half of your teeth... you may also consider tatooing Trump's face on your right but cheek. On which side of the scale are you?

Scorpio: Empty your mind this month, embrace the void. The first week of october will be very sunny, take that opportunity to stare straight at the sun while listening to Enya, or you can also play music by Richard Clayderman while you empty your mind. Jupiter will be your master of emptiness, prepare yourself by inhaling the gas from two or three lighters, that's it, hold your thumb down and let all the gas enter your lungs while staring at the sunlight. Take all the images in your mind and burn them in the sunlight, prepare to become blind forever, blind yourself that very morning, be blind and be pure. Never again witness pornography, never again see the trash piling up in the city dump, don't ever go back to the abortion clinic and play around with fetuses that have been torn apart... No more! Empty your mind! Let Jupiter be your master, be pure again!

Sagitarius: Has anybody told you my story dear Sagittarius? Do you know the legend about the undead witch Gudula who will hit you with the bones she carries in her old purple bag until you die? All the rumors about having survived a shape shifting spell which turned me into a dog are false! Well, I'm gonna' hit you with my bones this time: I heard you haven't been drinking your chlorine with baking soda before going to bed as you should! How can you expect to prepare your body for demonic possession if you don't intoxicate yourself first? Borlo is planning to posses a big number of sagittarians the next winter solstice (circa december 21) so you should start deteriorating your intestines right away! The master waits for no one! And you know there is no escaping him, either you lend him your body for him break havoc this winter or he'll turn you into a bag of used tampons. I've said it now!

Capricorn: Its time to show your stamina at the office as Mars meets Jupiter to cast a huge influence on you this month. Get ready to work your ass off by rubbing your genitalia on your boss's coffee mug, silverware, keyboard and mouse. You need take advantage of this Secretary Day to make him or her yours. Improve your life quality by becoming your boss's sweetheart by simply delivering his or her morning coffee swarming with your body fluids. The main idea is making him addicted to you, so you must also stop taking showers so him or her will start smelling your B.O. which they will progressively associate with their lunch, coffee breaks and all those office treats they are always looking forward to. Follow my advice and become number one!

Aquarius: Dear friend from Aquarius, you may have heard people say that “Beggars can't be choosers” so this month with Neptune's humane influence you are eager to discover the deep meaning of these words on your own... So this is how should do it: take a flight to Caracas, Venezuela, that country you might have heard of where people are struggling to find bread, bottled water, tissue paper, sugar, milk and that kind of stuff, a country whose capital city has one of the highest crime rates around the world. So “beggars can't be choosers”, but you will give them a chance to choose to mug you! The idea here is that you go out in the streets, but naked, with the latest version of your favorite smart phone tied to your ass, as if it were a cat's tail, playing its noisiest ringtone at maximum volume. Beggars can't be choosers, but you can change the world.

Pisces: Pisces there is much anguish in the world, there are so many feelings of unrest... asteroid Chiron makes you the most compassionate person this month so you need to start screaming really loud... try screaming the letter “A”, stare at the first person you meet yelling: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!”, try to see their reaction, in order to heal their hearts you need to see how they react to your emotions of anger. If they get scared you need to memorize their faces, but if they do nothing you should grab both their ears and this time yell “Paaaah!! Paaaah! Pah pah pah pah pah pah!!!” keeping your eyes wide open as if you were staring at the face of death. This way you will be able to feel what they feel and learn everything about human nature, philanthropy, and respect. Before letting them go, a life reaffirming smile will be the key element that will enable them to open their heart to you.

Aries: Now that everybody thinks you are a beauty you should protect yourself, being beautiful is dangerous these days dear Aries. With Venus intercepting your fate you have a rapist coming at you. What can you do to avoid getting raped and/or killed? Good news! Old newspapers are good for your skin and you can also rub them against your teeth for they won't be toxic enough to kill you; and, as you will notice, they leave a distinctive aftertaste which will make you want to eat all sorts of fried stuff. Hide beneath all the dirt and you'll be fine. Eat all the junk food you come across and no one will want to rape you, guaranteed!

Taurus: This month Tauruses are in a luck deficit and will have to try everything to bring back their good fortune. Stealing food is said to make you extremely lucky, the woman who stole a dozen eggs by putting them under her skirt and avoided being run over by the bus became legendary as she was supposedly teleported by Borlo himself! You should try something more risky and increase your luck for what remains of this year dear Taurus. Go all out by entering your local greasy spoon and stealing hamburgers off the people's tables... walk around the table with the juiciest, more abundant plates, grab a handful and run... try swallowing everything before they catch you and if they manage to beat the hell out of you, you will be the luckiest person on earth.

Gemini: Are you an only child? No you aren't! This applies to all the Geminis out there, may be your mother didn't provide a brother or sister for you in the flesh, but then it would be absurd that your astrological sign is Gemini isn't it? Fact is that you can talk to your shoes, you can talk to your shower curtain, to your doormat... you will be amazed of how many brothers and sisters you have, and if you are going through hard times you can also ask them for money, when you come back from work you will see that they have the money ready for you, and that they buy you presents for your birthday, because Geminis have the ability to create thoughtful and considerate brothers from inanimate objects, all they need to do is offer their blood and the blood of their children to these objects, and chant the right verses from the book of the death...

Cancer: Halloween is about to come so get out there and kill people! Its time to grab one of those hokey masks, or a ghost face thing and go trick or tricking so you can get people to open their houses to you, then take off your mask and ask them to use their bathroom, once you're in there ask them to come and tell them they need to check something under their bathroom sink, once they squat down stab their necks, its gonna be so much fun, like in the movies, then you can tell them something like “oops! Sorry its just a joke!”, or “Caught you! I still know what you did last summer!” or “You've just been caught by the Halloween Cliché Killer!” and then you can cut out their tongues, or poke out their eyes... its pretty funny... you will love the look in their faces once they realize there's no going back and that they are in fact being killed and about to die, this is what I call the “surprise element”, its so beautiful! Its pure poetry, I guess I'm a true poet!

Leo: Dear Leo Mars influencing you this month has you bragging about politics, telling everybody how you support communism in China and that you love president Chavez in Venezuela... I'll tell you this bit about film maker Oliver Stone: he used to say these same things, he even made a documentary about Chavez, trying to copy Michael Moore... Well, he got cancer, Chavez' cancer type turned out to be so contagious that he caught it and the thing blew his stomach and intestines in less than three months. That's not the worse part... the true shock about all this is that after using his colostomy bag for one month he became so aroused by the feces coming out of his belly that he became a dirt-o-phile... Yes! His cleaning lady found him in his room masturbating himself as the feces came out from one side of his belly button and, at the same time, he was licking the wall and turning his eyes to the back of his head. Well, she took pictures and she is currently blackmailing him.

Virgo: There are plenty of options once you decide to kill yourself, and there are even more reasons for you to end your pathetic life ASAP. First of all you have been hiding your feelings for too long now; second, it is never enough for your hungry vagina; third, you know you'll never stop breaking marriages, my friend Caroline told me all about it. So you could be done with it quickly by just grabbing a bunch of pop and putting it in your mouth corn while trying to tell a joke to your adoptive daughter, then fake a few laughs in which you would let some of the little grains enter your lungs which would make you suffocate in front of her... that's it FINITO... you bitch!
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